On good days, I write. On bad days, I also write. Today was one of the good days. And although it feels like I seldom have good days, thats probably not so true. I don't have evidence to stand on for either side of the argument except that I assume that on good days I'm out and about and enjoying life... and for the most part I, like most people, just expect to have good days. Besides, we only remember the bad times right? Like when we got sick that last season for two weeks after we got tricked into getting the flu shot because it was free of charge... we remember that and every sequence of not being jovial and how we wasted away in bed. But we only ever look back on our days and say, "wow, I haven't gotten sick since that time I got the flu shot, " WHEN... we are sick again... right? and we never actually appreciate the long periods in between and all the fun we had. Nobody ever does that. Well, thats what it seems like for me anyway. I'm sick it seems like at least twice a year, usually more. And everday I am not, IT IS A GOOD DAY. So today I write...
There's something in the spring air, comingled with all the pollen and dander... its excitement. I feel again a sense of new beginnings, kinda how New Years shoulda felt. Supposedly we are still in a recession... but I don't feel it. I'm at the mall a lot and see people out shopping and I see cars on the road and I see jobs being offered. Where's the recession? I guess they are saying it because credit lending is tighter than it was? But so what I think! Credit being tighter is a good thing and promotes responsible spending and promotes positive savings and just enough spending. They also say that we are still in a recession because nobodys buying houses.. well, its Spring now, so I think people will start buying houses. My brother just bought a new house. This other girl that I know just bought a townhouse. One of my best friends, he's doing a lot renovations to his house. So from where I sit and see, people are doing exactly what they were doing before and all along - living. I don't appreciate the media scaring people and throwing scary words out there about our economy, if anyting they are influencing spending habits in a negative way on both micro and macro scales. Some may say that unemployment is still up... my response to that is that whenever large industries like the auto industry and the financial industry and the real estate industry have re-organizations and large scale movement thats whats gonnna happen. But you still need people to run America and buy America and live America. What that mean is... that people still need to go to the grocery store and get gas and people still need to work at the grocery store and gas stations and all these people need other services and other things to survive so there will always be jobs.... its the economy... UP and DOWN... I'm not scared. If people were responsible in the first place they wouldn't or shouldn't be either.
So... I'm thankful for my health. Because it always come back to that. If you are not healthy, then you can't even work. And if you can't work, then you can't eat and you won't have shelter and you won't have health insurance and you can't do anything really except get more sick. Today is a good day because i'm healthy and my family seems to be doing okay ... and people around me seem to be doing okay and life... well... life is moving. Life is moving... forward.
And although there were some recent deaths to loved ones, those events were also reminders that my life IS special... that my life counts for something and that everday I am with those that I love, those are special days. Those are blessed days. Because when we are facing death in the face for the last time, we will look back and we will recount our life.... we will look back on the memories of love and the memories of tragedy.... we will look back on the days of triumph and the days of defeat... we will look back on those that we helped and those that we could have helped more.... and we will certainly look back and ponder, "was my life good?"
Good is your definition. Nobody can tell you what "good" is. Nobody can ever pretend to know every moment in your life and recap that for you. Nobody can ever pretend and tell you what you lacked or what you deserved. Only you can ever know these things. And only you can ever judge yourself in those final minutes. What will you do until then?
Make your days good, make them count.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
To the hospital with my Dad...
I was recently in the hospital for some tests. I was only supposed to be there for the day but my blood pressure dropped in the middle of one of my tests real low so they had to admit me. I ended up staying for two days. It sure was aggravating. My father had come along with me for the ride because I knew I wouldn't be able to drive. My father hasn't changed in the 28 years i've know him or the 18 years that we've been going to the hospital to have these routine checkups. He loves to tell everyone and anyone who wants to hear the story of what happened to me. He wants everyone to know that we're "pros" to this hospital thing and that we somehow should be treated differently, as if we should be treated better.
The thing that my father doesn't understand is that nobody really cares. It's probably tough for him to swallow that, but its true. Its important to him and our family because we live it everyday and it is something we just are used to. But these people who work in the hospital... they don't have a personal stake in our visit. If we didn't come in today to have these tests done, somebody else would be on the roster. I'm just a name on a list. And these nurses that meet me in the morning are just part of my morning and they probably won't see me for the rest of the year. They don't know the struggles that i'll have for the rest of they day. They themselves have their own struggles for the rest of their day. They are trying to just do what they have to do for their job or to get to lunch or to be done for the day. For me... its kinda the same. I'm trying to get the test all done with just so I can go home quickly, but I have to live with the results of the test or/and the problems throughout day that happen to me.
Usually i'm in my bed laying down, tired and groggy. My father talks and talks and talks. He loves to talk. Partly he talks to comfort himself that everything will be okay, and partly he talks to kill the quiet in the room. My heart monitor in the room will start beeping and he will come up with some solution onto why its beeping.... he'll say "the leads are off" or "the monitor is sensitive"... finally he'll ask me why its beeping... and I just ignore him. I know exactly why its beeping... Its beeping because my pressure is too low. When the systolic or the top number drops below 100 the alarm goes off. The problem is that nobody seems to care. Nurses hear it alarming and passerbys hear it alarming, but nobody writes it down and nobody does anything to change it.... so it just beeps... and my father sits and talk about it.... and i'm forced to listen.
Hospital stays are never fun. People go to the hospital because they are sick. Most people when they are sick need rest. The doctors and nurses even tell you to get rest. The problem is, hospitals function so that nobody ever goes to sleep. The nurses on shift have to stay awake the whole time because they are supposed to be taking care of you. The nurse's aids do the same. The intern doctor staying for the night is probably running around somewhere trying to save somebody's life when really he wishes he could just fall asleep for 15 minutes. For sure, I know that I, the patient can't sleep. The door is always wide open so you can hear the clamor outside in the hall and bustle of the hospital floor. Even if the door was closed, most of the hospital rooms i've been in, i've had a roommate.... and its almost guaranteed that every roommate watches tv really loud. And even if he wasn't watching tv, he'd be snoring or talking to doctors or on the phone yelling, or his oxygen machine is loud. And even still yet, If i didn't have a roommate, the nurses come in to make sure i'm okay once an hour and the nurse's aides wake me up to check my vitals every half hour to an hour.
Then morning comes... and the med students and interns want to wake you up at 5:30 am to see how you slept and listen to your heart and lungs. They don't even know what they are listening to, they just do it, because it is what they are supposed to do. And God forbid all the students and doctors come and talk to you all at the same time... they come in right after the other, just so they can get an "exlusive" report on how you are today and so they personally can listen to your heart and lungs and touch your feet for edema. Then the lady comes to draw labs... and of course she can't find a good vein so she pokes and prods and messes up your arm just to call for backup and somebody else does the same thing. Then breakfast comes, then they want you to go down for some tests somewhere, and then other doctors come in...
There is no rest in a hospital. That's why people end up staying longer than they have to. Its stressfull and dirty and frustrating.
I have been dealing with all of this for 18 years of my life. And when my father comes the few times that he does with me on these hospital trips and stays, I lay in my bed and chuckle deep down inside. He thinks he's a "pro" because of the experiences he's had with me. That must mean i'm better than a "pro", i must be a "master" or something. I've learned long ago to talk to only the people i need to at the hospital, because i've come to understand the hierarchy and the process. My dad is going about it all the wrong way.... but i'm not gonna interupt him. He can talk all he wants. I'll just lay there, ask for a pain killer, and go to sleep.
The thing that my father doesn't understand is that nobody really cares. It's probably tough for him to swallow that, but its true. Its important to him and our family because we live it everyday and it is something we just are used to. But these people who work in the hospital... they don't have a personal stake in our visit. If we didn't come in today to have these tests done, somebody else would be on the roster. I'm just a name on a list. And these nurses that meet me in the morning are just part of my morning and they probably won't see me for the rest of the year. They don't know the struggles that i'll have for the rest of they day. They themselves have their own struggles for the rest of their day. They are trying to just do what they have to do for their job or to get to lunch or to be done for the day. For me... its kinda the same. I'm trying to get the test all done with just so I can go home quickly, but I have to live with the results of the test or/and the problems throughout day that happen to me.
Usually i'm in my bed laying down, tired and groggy. My father talks and talks and talks. He loves to talk. Partly he talks to comfort himself that everything will be okay, and partly he talks to kill the quiet in the room. My heart monitor in the room will start beeping and he will come up with some solution onto why its beeping.... he'll say "the leads are off" or "the monitor is sensitive"... finally he'll ask me why its beeping... and I just ignore him. I know exactly why its beeping... Its beeping because my pressure is too low. When the systolic or the top number drops below 100 the alarm goes off. The problem is that nobody seems to care. Nurses hear it alarming and passerbys hear it alarming, but nobody writes it down and nobody does anything to change it.... so it just beeps... and my father sits and talk about it.... and i'm forced to listen.
Hospital stays are never fun. People go to the hospital because they are sick. Most people when they are sick need rest. The doctors and nurses even tell you to get rest. The problem is, hospitals function so that nobody ever goes to sleep. The nurses on shift have to stay awake the whole time because they are supposed to be taking care of you. The nurse's aids do the same. The intern doctor staying for the night is probably running around somewhere trying to save somebody's life when really he wishes he could just fall asleep for 15 minutes. For sure, I know that I, the patient can't sleep. The door is always wide open so you can hear the clamor outside in the hall and bustle of the hospital floor. Even if the door was closed, most of the hospital rooms i've been in, i've had a roommate.... and its almost guaranteed that every roommate watches tv really loud. And even if he wasn't watching tv, he'd be snoring or talking to doctors or on the phone yelling, or his oxygen machine is loud. And even still yet, If i didn't have a roommate, the nurses come in to make sure i'm okay once an hour and the nurse's aides wake me up to check my vitals every half hour to an hour.
Then morning comes... and the med students and interns want to wake you up at 5:30 am to see how you slept and listen to your heart and lungs. They don't even know what they are listening to, they just do it, because it is what they are supposed to do. And God forbid all the students and doctors come and talk to you all at the same time... they come in right after the other, just so they can get an "exlusive" report on how you are today and so they personally can listen to your heart and lungs and touch your feet for edema. Then the lady comes to draw labs... and of course she can't find a good vein so she pokes and prods and messes up your arm just to call for backup and somebody else does the same thing. Then breakfast comes, then they want you to go down for some tests somewhere, and then other doctors come in...
There is no rest in a hospital. That's why people end up staying longer than they have to. Its stressfull and dirty and frustrating.
I have been dealing with all of this for 18 years of my life. And when my father comes the few times that he does with me on these hospital trips and stays, I lay in my bed and chuckle deep down inside. He thinks he's a "pro" because of the experiences he's had with me. That must mean i'm better than a "pro", i must be a "master" or something. I've learned long ago to talk to only the people i need to at the hospital, because i've come to understand the hierarchy and the process. My dad is going about it all the wrong way.... but i'm not gonna interupt him. He can talk all he wants. I'll just lay there, ask for a pain killer, and go to sleep.
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