Today I got a nice, i consider medium, sized boxed delivered to my house. It was heavy and it seemed very pristine, as in the box was not crushed, marked up, or scuffed. I didnt open it right away, because I was in the middle of doing something, and kind of daydreaming about my future. Hours later, I opened it.... and there it was... my future.
Kaplan had sent me 6 books and some lesson plans and tests and information and... overall stuff.... all for my classes that start on Monday, January 3rd. I definitely expected it to come. So I dont know why i was surprised. I guess its because I get packages all the time. Anyway, when I opened the box and pulled out all the books, I was scared actually. Six books is, for me, alot of books. I tried to study for the LSAT, and GMAT, for that matter, on my own and that was only 1 book. And now I had six brand new books and information that supposed to help me succeed in my goal of getting a good score on the LSAT. A score that will ultimately get me into law school, and finally reaching my lifelong dream of becoming a lawyer.
How crazy is that? Me a lawyer. ahahaha.. Anyway, I dont know what this new journey in my life will bring, all I know is that I cant be scared anymore to try. Nothing is holding me back, nothing but me. And the more I start doing, the less ill stop dreaming about a time I could have been something..... When i'm old, ill know that I had a hard life, from when I was 10 to even now and moreso later... but ill know that i made certain achievements. Ill know that even though I made huge mistakes in my life, there were some decisions I made that were best for my future. This is what I have to look forward to for 2011: becoming a law student.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
hope in Levaquin
i've been sick for the past 3 days and i think last night it hit a point where i thought i was gonna almost die (ok, not really, dont be alarmed)... i was hot, sweaty, my nose was runny, i was congested, my throat was sore, and overall i felt lousy. at some point im sure i had a fever and taking tylenol only made me feel like i was getting hotter. thinking that water would help, i had to scrounge up enough energy to go downstairs to fill my glass up. And although it made my throat feel better as it passed down into my stomach, i was still hot and a mess. I probably made 4 trips to the water cooler throught my sleepless night.
thats another funny thing that was happening.... i would try to sleep and i would close my eyes and i guess for me it seemed like hours, and i probably did pass out from exhaustion, but something would wake me up and i would check the time, and only 40 minutes had gone by.... i was frustrated. whats also frustrating is having to blow my nose every 3 minutes just so i can breath. i'm not sure if its wierd or not, but im glad when i get alot of stuff out, like snot on the tissue i mean, granted its gross and germy, but feeling like all that is coming out makes me think that my lungs are going to be less congested or ill be clear again soon.
ive been trying to read, but i cant concentrate on what im reading and my eyes end up hurting so after 20 minutes or so i stop. i tried to watch the Eagles game last night also, and that actually made me doze off and on for a while.... who knew their suckiness would allow me to rest. and at some point when i knew they were finished I shut off the tv, brushed my teeth, and took a sleeping pill... all this around 11pm or so. and guess what...? I woke up at 2. i knew i was in for a long night.... which basically then consisted of tossing and turning, walking around my room, and downstairs, washing my face, and trying to write a letter to Rutgers Law. in-sanity.
im not gonna read over this blog like i usually do ... im tired again, and im gonna lay down. I hope this levaquin the doctor prescribed for me does something quick. because if i have another night like last night, i dont know how ill get through it. cant wait for next week... classes start. yay.
thats another funny thing that was happening.... i would try to sleep and i would close my eyes and i guess for me it seemed like hours, and i probably did pass out from exhaustion, but something would wake me up and i would check the time, and only 40 minutes had gone by.... i was frustrated. whats also frustrating is having to blow my nose every 3 minutes just so i can breath. i'm not sure if its wierd or not, but im glad when i get alot of stuff out, like snot on the tissue i mean, granted its gross and germy, but feeling like all that is coming out makes me think that my lungs are going to be less congested or ill be clear again soon.
ive been trying to read, but i cant concentrate on what im reading and my eyes end up hurting so after 20 minutes or so i stop. i tried to watch the Eagles game last night also, and that actually made me doze off and on for a while.... who knew their suckiness would allow me to rest. and at some point when i knew they were finished I shut off the tv, brushed my teeth, and took a sleeping pill... all this around 11pm or so. and guess what...? I woke up at 2. i knew i was in for a long night.... which basically then consisted of tossing and turning, walking around my room, and downstairs, washing my face, and trying to write a letter to Rutgers Law. in-sanity.
im not gonna read over this blog like i usually do ... im tired again, and im gonna lay down. I hope this levaquin the doctor prescribed for me does something quick. because if i have another night like last night, i dont know how ill get through it. cant wait for next week... classes start. yay.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Feeling Christmasless, almost
I feel like all I ever write about are sad things... but i mean part of the reason I write this blog is to help me work out some of my emotions and deep rooted problems. Soon ill be writing about achievements in my daily life... i've got to promise myself that, this way those happy days will be recorded along with the not so happy days.
I've been in touch with a few of my friends since Christmas, and even people from work, they all ask me "How was your Christmas.?" I first say "it was quiet," while thinking about the truth in my mind. Then I usually go on to say, "I just spent Christmas with my family." Usually this is enough to satisfy their curiosity and a conversation follows on how their Christmas was and what they got, or where they were.
The truth is... i kinda feel like this year I didnt have a Christmas. Its sad to say and definitely sad to think about but thats the God's honest truth. I cant tell people that though, because they might not necessarily understand, and furthermore, I dont want people feeling sorry for me. The moment I tell someone "I didnt have a Christmas," they would apologize and try to comfort me, which I dont need.... thats just the way it is and it doesnt really help. I've never ever really felt Christmasless in my 30 years of life... no matter how rough times were or complicated life was, I always felt like Christmas was at my house December 25. I hope its not some realization that when you get older there will be less Christmases. And from feeling this way, ill defintely do more next year to make Christmas more special.
I feel like I didnt have much of a Christmas for many reasons, none of them are excuses on why everyone in my family didnt do more to bring the spirit of Christmas home. My mom has cancer... she has been dealing with it for several months now and she is going through chemotherapy and radiation. She has a feeding tube put into her stomach and she throws up almost every other day. She is weak, she looks very frail, and there is nothing I can do to make her better. I do my best to talk to her everyday and ask her how she is doing, sometimes she cant speak back to me because her throat is raw and dry. I cry thinking about her situation often.
My one brother Oliver got laid off from his job.... again. He just got married this past summer, and earlier this year he bought a house. And now being laid off he has no money, and my parents are helping him get by. My sister.... my sister is a bipolar manic... she has crazy mood swings and argues with everyone and functions... differently. And although she tries to overcome her situation and become independent, I dont think she knows how, or ever will. My other brothers have families and they have expenses and they are having a tough time with the economy and with this financial situation we are in. They do what they can to survive without sacrificing happiness for their children. And me... oh man... thats obvious. Im basically going through the most difficult emotional rollercoaster of my life with my personal life, on top of my situation with my kidney disease and heath.... and basically, at this point, i'm just trying to set small goals to get me to the end of the week and trying to keep my bigger plan in perspective. Im trying to finally realize my future.
Nobody put up a tree this year. The tree that we have up, I grabbed it from the attic and put it on a table in the living room. Its a color fiber optic tree, and this year I didnt bother putting up candy canes or christmas balls. There werent any decorations, maybe a santa or two my mom tried to put up for the few hours she came downstairs on christmas eve because she thought she felt well. Nobody made cookies, nobody put out any presents. On Christmas eve day my dad put in the movie Salt, and we were I guess supposed to watch that together. I had already seen it and nobody was talking. On Christmas day, my mom was in bed all day, and I was sad beyond belief missing my ex. Finally I went over to my one brothers house, just to see what was going on there... his wife invited me over if i was bored... which i was for sure.
There is joy is seeing little kids. I definitely believe that. My nieces show love to me, no matter the look on my face, even if I my eyes are swollen and raw. My one neice grabbed my hand at the doorstep and said "Merry Christmas Uncle Joe, look what I got." Makes me choked up thinking about it. And she showed me all the dolls she got, and all the books she got and she wanted me to read her a book right then and there.
My nieces made my Christmas something worth remembering. After playing with them for a while, my brother and I played some xbox, we watched the dvd Kingdom of Heaven, and later we had Christmas dinner which my sister in law cooked all while I was there.... and we ate together, no tv, no phones, no distractions. We laughed, we enjoyed the food, we laughed some more. Then we watched more movies.
My time at my brothers house took my mind away from my problems for quite a few hours.... I felt the spirit of Christmas with some of the people who were always going to be there for me, and who loved me enough to invite me over. I shared laughs with them, I shared my sorrow with them, and it helped me get through such a special day that had me thinking about someone who was not there.... actually lots of people who were not there if you want to count my parents and other brother.
I guess I did have a Christmas, just not the way I thought, or how I had it planned. But thats how life is, never how you think or how you plan. And I guess thats what Christmas is truly about, it is a season for families to come together and put their troubles aside.... and just really know that life will be ok.... and that love is everywhere you let it be. I remember in church a priest said in his homily, "We come together not just because we want something from church... we come together because we are a community, we come together because being in the presence of others and sharing with them our lives, helps them, and therefore helps all of us...... Open your heart and let love in, and you will be able to love also." Smart guy he was.
I've been in touch with a few of my friends since Christmas, and even people from work, they all ask me "How was your Christmas.?" I first say "it was quiet," while thinking about the truth in my mind. Then I usually go on to say, "I just spent Christmas with my family." Usually this is enough to satisfy their curiosity and a conversation follows on how their Christmas was and what they got, or where they were.
The truth is... i kinda feel like this year I didnt have a Christmas. Its sad to say and definitely sad to think about but thats the God's honest truth. I cant tell people that though, because they might not necessarily understand, and furthermore, I dont want people feeling sorry for me. The moment I tell someone "I didnt have a Christmas," they would apologize and try to comfort me, which I dont need.... thats just the way it is and it doesnt really help. I've never ever really felt Christmasless in my 30 years of life... no matter how rough times were or complicated life was, I always felt like Christmas was at my house December 25. I hope its not some realization that when you get older there will be less Christmases. And from feeling this way, ill defintely do more next year to make Christmas more special.
I feel like I didnt have much of a Christmas for many reasons, none of them are excuses on why everyone in my family didnt do more to bring the spirit of Christmas home. My mom has cancer... she has been dealing with it for several months now and she is going through chemotherapy and radiation. She has a feeding tube put into her stomach and she throws up almost every other day. She is weak, she looks very frail, and there is nothing I can do to make her better. I do my best to talk to her everyday and ask her how she is doing, sometimes she cant speak back to me because her throat is raw and dry. I cry thinking about her situation often.
My one brother Oliver got laid off from his job.... again. He just got married this past summer, and earlier this year he bought a house. And now being laid off he has no money, and my parents are helping him get by. My sister.... my sister is a bipolar manic... she has crazy mood swings and argues with everyone and functions... differently. And although she tries to overcome her situation and become independent, I dont think she knows how, or ever will. My other brothers have families and they have expenses and they are having a tough time with the economy and with this financial situation we are in. They do what they can to survive without sacrificing happiness for their children. And me... oh man... thats obvious. Im basically going through the most difficult emotional rollercoaster of my life with my personal life, on top of my situation with my kidney disease and heath.... and basically, at this point, i'm just trying to set small goals to get me to the end of the week and trying to keep my bigger plan in perspective. Im trying to finally realize my future.
Nobody put up a tree this year. The tree that we have up, I grabbed it from the attic and put it on a table in the living room. Its a color fiber optic tree, and this year I didnt bother putting up candy canes or christmas balls. There werent any decorations, maybe a santa or two my mom tried to put up for the few hours she came downstairs on christmas eve because she thought she felt well. Nobody made cookies, nobody put out any presents. On Christmas eve day my dad put in the movie Salt, and we were I guess supposed to watch that together. I had already seen it and nobody was talking. On Christmas day, my mom was in bed all day, and I was sad beyond belief missing my ex. Finally I went over to my one brothers house, just to see what was going on there... his wife invited me over if i was bored... which i was for sure.
There is joy is seeing little kids. I definitely believe that. My nieces show love to me, no matter the look on my face, even if I my eyes are swollen and raw. My one neice grabbed my hand at the doorstep and said "Merry Christmas Uncle Joe, look what I got." Makes me choked up thinking about it. And she showed me all the dolls she got, and all the books she got and she wanted me to read her a book right then and there.
My nieces made my Christmas something worth remembering. After playing with them for a while, my brother and I played some xbox, we watched the dvd Kingdom of Heaven, and later we had Christmas dinner which my sister in law cooked all while I was there.... and we ate together, no tv, no phones, no distractions. We laughed, we enjoyed the food, we laughed some more. Then we watched more movies.
My time at my brothers house took my mind away from my problems for quite a few hours.... I felt the spirit of Christmas with some of the people who were always going to be there for me, and who loved me enough to invite me over. I shared laughs with them, I shared my sorrow with them, and it helped me get through such a special day that had me thinking about someone who was not there.... actually lots of people who were not there if you want to count my parents and other brother.
I guess I did have a Christmas, just not the way I thought, or how I had it planned. But thats how life is, never how you think or how you plan. And I guess thats what Christmas is truly about, it is a season for families to come together and put their troubles aside.... and just really know that life will be ok.... and that love is everywhere you let it be. I remember in church a priest said in his homily, "We come together not just because we want something from church... we come together because we are a community, we come together because being in the presence of others and sharing with them our lives, helps them, and therefore helps all of us...... Open your heart and let love in, and you will be able to love also." Smart guy he was.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Being Breathless
Everyday I say today is the first day of the rest of my life, but like an addict or like a victim of bipolar disease, I am pulled back in to the depths of sadness. It comes in bouts, ill wake up fine, ill take a shower, ill watch tv, ill head to the store... but then out of nowhere something will remind me of my past life that I had with my ex. Almost every time those bouts end in tears or anger, sometimes both. Sometimes I cant breath... ill pull over in the car and countdown from 10 just to calm down. How can one thing that was in your life take over so much, that it leaves you crippled without it?
Before when I would go to work or go on a family trip without her and we'd be apart, I definitely missed her. But, I wasnt paralyzed. I was functioning, I would do what i have to do. I always knew I would see her soon... maybe thats why subconciously i was ok physically. But feeling that one thing, FEAR, fear that she's gone forever is the key ingredient thats the difference from functioning and "absent".
My friends have been very supportive... and im grateful. Unforutnately everything they have to say doesnt really heal me miraculously. I kind of know they are saying things to comfort me, whether they actually have been in my shoes or not. Which makes me come to understand that I can only heal myself in the end. I have taken steps to continue on with my life, to finally reach goals i've been putting off for lots of reason. I keep telling myself that I have to better myself so that I can grow from this experience. And while i've decided its important not to forget this amazing girl who came into my life and all the great times we had, its also important not to forget all the things i did wrong, but also move on and try to forgive myself for them.
Right now, my pain is more than anything I can bear, but in the end life is hard.... and I choose to live it because hopefully it takes me somewhere wonderful. Hopefully, along the way I empower people around me and I make a difference. From my pain I feel today, with its ability to leave me breathless, I have to stand up everyday and continue to improve my situation... always. For my sanity, for my family, and for my heart.
Before when I would go to work or go on a family trip without her and we'd be apart, I definitely missed her. But, I wasnt paralyzed. I was functioning, I would do what i have to do. I always knew I would see her soon... maybe thats why subconciously i was ok physically. But feeling that one thing, FEAR, fear that she's gone forever is the key ingredient thats the difference from functioning and "absent".
My friends have been very supportive... and im grateful. Unforutnately everything they have to say doesnt really heal me miraculously. I kind of know they are saying things to comfort me, whether they actually have been in my shoes or not. Which makes me come to understand that I can only heal myself in the end. I have taken steps to continue on with my life, to finally reach goals i've been putting off for lots of reason. I keep telling myself that I have to better myself so that I can grow from this experience. And while i've decided its important not to forget this amazing girl who came into my life and all the great times we had, its also important not to forget all the things i did wrong, but also move on and try to forgive myself for them.
Right now, my pain is more than anything I can bear, but in the end life is hard.... and I choose to live it because hopefully it takes me somewhere wonderful. Hopefully, along the way I empower people around me and I make a difference. From my pain I feel today, with its ability to leave me breathless, I have to stand up everyday and continue to improve my situation... always. For my sanity, for my family, and for my heart.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Empty Bed of Memories
It seems like forever ago when my exgirlfriend first moved into her new apartment. Her parents kind of kicked her out, either that or she was a making a stand against them claiming her independence. I was sad for her, but I was proud that she had found a place to live and was going to try to make it on her own.
I helped her move in her stuff and I stayed there a lot of nights. And although she was probably sad about not being at home with her family, she was happy to have some place that she thought was hers. I remember I went to Target once and bought her a kitchen cart and some shelves for her kitchen. She was happy about it I think, and I put them together and set them up. It was a nice feeling. Like we were young newlyweds trying to start our life. On cold nights we would order out or make soup, and cuddle up on the couch watching tv. She would always fall asleep first.
Whenever my ex fell asleep, I would look over at her and smile. She always had a peaceful look on her face, and I always knew I was lucky to know her. I would kiss her on the forehead and I remember many times, I closed my eyes and literally thanked God that we were together and I asked for him to keep us safe. Even later when she moved out of her apartment and she spent nights over my house, it was the same. I loved her and felt secure.
Now I think about this empty bed that we bought together, and I think of all the stories we shared laying next to each other. I'm sad. I miss her so much. All these memories that I'm supposed to forget like of her apartment and of us buying a bed together and things like that... I dont want to forget those memories... but remembering too much just hurts so bad.
One day in the future, she will be moving into her new apartment or maybe she'll be buying a bed. I wonder if she'll remember our times together? I wonder later on, when she's doing all that, if I will?
I helped her move in her stuff and I stayed there a lot of nights. And although she was probably sad about not being at home with her family, she was happy to have some place that she thought was hers. I remember I went to Target once and bought her a kitchen cart and some shelves for her kitchen. She was happy about it I think, and I put them together and set them up. It was a nice feeling. Like we were young newlyweds trying to start our life. On cold nights we would order out or make soup, and cuddle up on the couch watching tv. She would always fall asleep first.
Whenever my ex fell asleep, I would look over at her and smile. She always had a peaceful look on her face, and I always knew I was lucky to know her. I would kiss her on the forehead and I remember many times, I closed my eyes and literally thanked God that we were together and I asked for him to keep us safe. Even later when she moved out of her apartment and she spent nights over my house, it was the same. I loved her and felt secure.
Now I think about this empty bed that we bought together, and I think of all the stories we shared laying next to each other. I'm sad. I miss her so much. All these memories that I'm supposed to forget like of her apartment and of us buying a bed together and things like that... I dont want to forget those memories... but remembering too much just hurts so bad.
One day in the future, she will be moving into her new apartment or maybe she'll be buying a bed. I wonder if she'll remember our times together? I wonder later on, when she's doing all that, if I will?
Sunday, December 19, 2010
The Used Bicycle....
It has been quite some time since I've posted a blog and I feel like thats unfortunate. For a long time, I was here, physically, but emotionally and mentally I was gone. I've been thinking about it for a few days now since i'm newly single... and I dunno. I'm not sure what exactly happened.
Sometimes the mundane of our lives grabs hold of us. Everything is the same and routines just eat us alive. It creates a new person, and laziness gets in the way. I used to enjoy going to the diner and grabbing a cup of coffee or tea and having conversation with friends and family. I cant even remember the last time I did that. I exchanged the treat of going to the movies for REDBOX instead because renting it and taking it home was so much easier than sitting in a theatre.
When I first started dating my now exgirlfriend, we would drive to nowhere... no plan, no time limits, and that was fun. We would put a cd in and let it play with the windows down and just jam, or with some songs, we would sit quiet and think about our lives and... just enjoy our love. Those were good times. Those were times, when I felt alive doing nothing really. Everything of course is fantastic and new when you first get into a relationship, they call it the "honeymoon" phase. I never in a million years ever thought that we would find ourselves out of that. When I first started dating my ex, I was somewhat traumatized in my last relationship. I was, at that time, very lucky she came into my life and saved me from self destruction. I was wasting away and I had no hope. But when we first started dating, there was something special about her. There was something that I felt inside that I could never ever put into words, not even for her. The best poet could never on his best day describe it. When she was next to me I felt important, I felt warm, I felt secure. When I looked into her gorgeous brown eyes, I saw the hope of a bright future. I had found... love. It took me so long to find it, and I was on top of the world. I could dance on water.
And I lost it. Just like that.
She has her reasons on why she broke up with me. And she rationalizes her decision for us to be apart, im guessing to make her pain go away.... its conditioning the mind really. But for me, I dunno. I dont get it. And I beat myself up for all the wrong things that I did wrong, and all the times I could have done more. There is something from this that I'm supposed to understand, there is supposed to be a lesson, a positive one. I'm supposed to, according to my friends, just let go, shrug it off, understand that maybe i'm better off. I've had a few weeks to really analyze everything from beginning to end, but I cant see a positive message anywhere. When the girl you are supposed to marry suddenly disappears from your life and no longer wants to speak to you, there's nothing good about it. Matter of fact, the only thing I feel is hurt... and at times its mixed in with some abandonment, anger, frustration, and sadness.... these are all negative. Crying until your eyes are sore is negative. To prove my point, if you were to ask people if you think being abandoned was a good thing or bad thing, they would tell you it is definitely bad. But why, for some reason, when you throw the context of a relationship and the fact that a breakup occured people says things like "things happen for a reason", or "you're probably better off"?
I'm not better off. I'm not sure I ever will be. And it makes no sense for people to say that. Before she came into my life, my life was crap. She arrived and my life then became good. I somehow messed it up. And now she's gone, and my life is crap again. Its like a used bicycle. Say you have a used bicycle and somebody finds it and the clean it up and fix it so that it rides again and it is maintained and like brand new. That bicycle is now amazing. Could be the best bicycle in the world at this point. But after a few years, the owner dies, or gets a new bike. Now that same bicycle that was soooo amazing is now.... nothing. Now its just another used bicycle. And probably since its so old, they're just gonna trash it. Nobody ever says to that bicycle, "goodbye bicycle, you were fantastic, you were my favorite bicycle." They just get rid of it and replace it. I'm not better off, just like the Commodores were not better off without Lionel Richie.
Life is difficult. If i have learned anything from my experiences lately, it is that love is fleeting, love is never kind, and love is just a word, we say it for a while, and then we dont. Eventually it is replaced.
Sometimes the mundane of our lives grabs hold of us. Everything is the same and routines just eat us alive. It creates a new person, and laziness gets in the way. I used to enjoy going to the diner and grabbing a cup of coffee or tea and having conversation with friends and family. I cant even remember the last time I did that. I exchanged the treat of going to the movies for REDBOX instead because renting it and taking it home was so much easier than sitting in a theatre.
When I first started dating my now exgirlfriend, we would drive to nowhere... no plan, no time limits, and that was fun. We would put a cd in and let it play with the windows down and just jam, or with some songs, we would sit quiet and think about our lives and... just enjoy our love. Those were good times. Those were times, when I felt alive doing nothing really. Everything of course is fantastic and new when you first get into a relationship, they call it the "honeymoon" phase. I never in a million years ever thought that we would find ourselves out of that. When I first started dating my ex, I was somewhat traumatized in my last relationship. I was, at that time, very lucky she came into my life and saved me from self destruction. I was wasting away and I had no hope. But when we first started dating, there was something special about her. There was something that I felt inside that I could never ever put into words, not even for her. The best poet could never on his best day describe it. When she was next to me I felt important, I felt warm, I felt secure. When I looked into her gorgeous brown eyes, I saw the hope of a bright future. I had found... love. It took me so long to find it, and I was on top of the world. I could dance on water.
And I lost it. Just like that.
She has her reasons on why she broke up with me. And she rationalizes her decision for us to be apart, im guessing to make her pain go away.... its conditioning the mind really. But for me, I dunno. I dont get it. And I beat myself up for all the wrong things that I did wrong, and all the times I could have done more. There is something from this that I'm supposed to understand, there is supposed to be a lesson, a positive one. I'm supposed to, according to my friends, just let go, shrug it off, understand that maybe i'm better off. I've had a few weeks to really analyze everything from beginning to end, but I cant see a positive message anywhere. When the girl you are supposed to marry suddenly disappears from your life and no longer wants to speak to you, there's nothing good about it. Matter of fact, the only thing I feel is hurt... and at times its mixed in with some abandonment, anger, frustration, and sadness.... these are all negative. Crying until your eyes are sore is negative. To prove my point, if you were to ask people if you think being abandoned was a good thing or bad thing, they would tell you it is definitely bad. But why, for some reason, when you throw the context of a relationship and the fact that a breakup occured people says things like "things happen for a reason", or "you're probably better off"?
I'm not better off. I'm not sure I ever will be. And it makes no sense for people to say that. Before she came into my life, my life was crap. She arrived and my life then became good. I somehow messed it up. And now she's gone, and my life is crap again. Its like a used bicycle. Say you have a used bicycle and somebody finds it and the clean it up and fix it so that it rides again and it is maintained and like brand new. That bicycle is now amazing. Could be the best bicycle in the world at this point. But after a few years, the owner dies, or gets a new bike. Now that same bicycle that was soooo amazing is now.... nothing. Now its just another used bicycle. And probably since its so old, they're just gonna trash it. Nobody ever says to that bicycle, "goodbye bicycle, you were fantastic, you were my favorite bicycle." They just get rid of it and replace it. I'm not better off, just like the Commodores were not better off without Lionel Richie.
Life is difficult. If i have learned anything from my experiences lately, it is that love is fleeting, love is never kind, and love is just a word, we say it for a while, and then we dont. Eventually it is replaced.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
