Feeling Christmasless, almost

I feel like all I ever write about are sad things... but i mean part of the reason I write this blog is to help me work out some of my emotions and deep rooted problems.  Soon ill be writing about achievements in my daily life... i've got to promise myself that, this way those happy days will be recorded along with the not so happy days.

I've been in touch with a few of my friends since Christmas, and even people from work, they all ask me "How was your Christmas.?"  I first say "it was quiet," while thinking about the truth in my mind.  Then I usually go on to say, "I just spent Christmas with my family."  Usually this is enough to satisfy their curiosity and a conversation follows on how their Christmas was and what they got, or where they were.

The truth is... i kinda feel like this year I didnt have a Christmas.  Its sad to say and definitely sad to think about but thats the God's honest truth.  I cant tell people that though, because they might not necessarily understand, and furthermore, I dont want people feeling sorry for me.  The moment I tell someone "I didnt have a Christmas," they would apologize and try to comfort me, which I dont need.... thats just the way it is and it doesnt really help.  I've never ever really felt Christmasless in my 30 years of life... no matter how rough times were or complicated life was, I always felt like Christmas was at my house December 25.  I hope its not some realization that when you get older there will be less Christmases. And from feeling this way, ill defintely do more next year to make Christmas more special.

I feel like I didnt have much of a Christmas for many reasons, none of them are excuses on why everyone in my family didnt do more to bring the spirit of Christmas home.  My mom has cancer... she has been dealing with it for several months now and she is going through chemotherapy and radiation.  She has a feeding tube put into her stomach and she throws up almost every other day.  She is weak, she looks very frail, and there is nothing I can do to make her better.  I do my best to talk to her everyday and ask her how she is doing, sometimes she cant speak back to me because her throat is raw and dry.  I cry thinking about her situation often. 

My one brother Oliver got laid off from his job.... again.  He just got married this past summer, and earlier this year he bought a house.  And now being laid off he has no money, and my parents are helping him get by.  My sister.... my sister is a bipolar manic... she has crazy mood swings and argues with everyone and functions... differently.  And although she tries to overcome her situation and become independent, I dont think she knows how, or ever will.   My other brothers have families and they have expenses and they are having a tough time with the economy and with this financial situation we are in.  They do what they can to survive without sacrificing happiness for their children.  And me... oh man... thats obvious.  Im basically going through the most difficult emotional rollercoaster of my life with my personal life, on top of my situation with my kidney disease and heath.... and basically, at this point, i'm just trying to set small goals to get me to the end of the week and trying to keep my bigger plan in perspective.  Im trying to finally realize my future.

Nobody put up a tree this year.  The tree that we have up, I grabbed it from the attic and put it on a table in the living room.  Its a color fiber optic tree, and this year I didnt bother putting up candy canes or christmas balls.  There werent any decorations, maybe a santa or two my mom tried to put up for the few hours she came downstairs on christmas eve because she thought she felt well.  Nobody made cookies, nobody put out any presents.  On Christmas eve day my dad put in the movie Salt, and we were I guess supposed to watch that together.  I had already seen it and nobody was talking.  On Christmas day, my mom was in bed all day, and I was sad beyond belief missing my ex.  Finally I went over to my one brothers house, just to see what was going on there... his wife invited me over if i was bored... which i was for sure.

There is joy is seeing little kids.  I definitely believe that.  My nieces show love to me, no matter the look on my face, even if I my eyes are swollen and raw.  My one neice grabbed my hand at the doorstep and said "Merry Christmas Uncle Joe, look what I got."  Makes me choked up thinking about it.  And she showed me all the dolls she got, and all the books she got and she wanted me to read her a book right then and there.

My nieces made my Christmas something worth remembering.  After playing with them for a while, my brother and I played some xbox, we watched the dvd Kingdom of Heaven, and later we had Christmas dinner which my sister in law cooked all while I was there.... and we ate together, no tv, no phones, no distractions.  We laughed, we enjoyed the food, we laughed some more.  Then we watched more movies.

My time at my brothers house took my mind away from my problems for quite a few hours.... I felt the spirit of Christmas with some of the people who were always going to be there for me, and who loved me enough to invite me over.  I shared laughs with them, I shared my sorrow with them, and it helped me get through such a special day that had me thinking about someone who was not there.... actually lots of people who were not there if you want to count my parents and other brother.

I guess I did have a Christmas, just not the way I thought, or how I had it planned.  But thats how life is, never how you think or how you plan.  And I guess thats what Christmas is truly about, it is a season for families to come together and put their troubles aside.... and just really know that life will be ok.... and that love is everywhere you let it be.  I remember in church a priest said in his homily, "We come together not just because we want something from church... we come together because we are a community, we come together because being in the presence of others and sharing with them our lives, helps them, and therefore helps all of us...... Open your heart and let love in, and you will be able to love also."  Smart guy he was.