Being Breathless

Everyday I say today is the first day of the rest of my life, but like an addict or like a victim of bipolar disease, I am pulled back in to the depths of sadness.  It comes in bouts, ill wake up fine, ill take a shower, ill watch tv, ill head to the store... but then out of nowhere something will remind me of my past life that I had with my ex.  Almost every time those bouts end in tears or anger, sometimes both.  Sometimes I cant breath... ill pull over in the car and countdown from 10 just to calm down.  How can one thing that was in your life take over so much, that it leaves you crippled without it? 

Before when I would go to work or go on a family trip without her and we'd be apart, I definitely missed her.  But, I wasnt paralyzed.  I was functioning, I would do what i have to do.  I always knew I would see her soon... maybe thats why subconciously i was ok physically.  But feeling that one thing, FEAR, fear that she's gone forever is the key ingredient thats the difference from functioning and "absent".

My friends have been very supportive... and im grateful.  Unforutnately everything they have to say doesnt really heal me miraculously.  I kind of know they are saying things to comfort me, whether they actually have been in my shoes or not.  Which makes me come to understand that I can only heal myself in the end.  I have taken steps to continue on with my life, to finally reach goals i've been putting off for lots of reason.  I keep telling myself that I have to better myself so that I can grow from this experience.  And while i've decided its important not to forget this amazing girl who came into my life and all the great times we had, its also important not to forget all the things i did wrong, but also move on and try to forgive myself for them.

Right now, my pain is more than anything I can bear, but in the end life is hard.... and I choose to live it because hopefully it takes me somewhere wonderful.  Hopefully, along the way I empower people around me and I make a difference.  From my pain I feel today, with its ability to leave me breathless, I have to stand up everyday and continue to improve my situation... always.  For my sanity, for my family, and for my heart.