The Used Bicycle....

It has been quite some time since I've posted a blog and I feel like thats unfortunate.  For a long time, I was here, physically, but emotionally and mentally I was gone.  I've been thinking about it for a few days now since i'm newly single... and I dunno.  I'm not sure what exactly happened.

Sometimes the mundane of our lives grabs hold of us.  Everything is the same and routines just eat us alive.  It creates a new person, and laziness gets in the way.  I used to enjoy going to the diner and grabbing a cup of coffee or tea and having conversation with friends and family.  I cant even remember the last time I did that.  I exchanged the treat of going to the movies for REDBOX instead because renting it and taking it home was so much easier than sitting in a theatre. 

When I first started dating my now exgirlfriend, we would drive to nowhere... no plan, no time limits, and that was fun.  We would put a cd in and let it play with the windows down and just jam, or with some songs, we would sit quiet and think about our lives and... just enjoy our love.  Those were good times.  Those were times, when I felt alive doing nothing really.  Everything of course is fantastic and new when you first get into a relationship, they call it the "honeymoon" phase.  I never in a million years ever thought that we would find ourselves out of that.  When I first started dating my ex, I was somewhat traumatized in my last relationship.  I was, at that time, very lucky she came into my life and saved me from self destruction.  I was wasting away and I had no hope.  But when we first started dating, there was something special about her.  There was something that I felt inside that I could never ever put into words, not even for her.  The best poet could never on his best day describe it.  When she was next to me I felt important, I felt warm, I felt secure.  When I looked into her gorgeous brown eyes, I saw the hope of a bright future.  I had found... love.  It took me so long to find it, and I was on top of the world.  I could dance on water.

And I lost it.  Just like that.

She has her reasons on why she broke up with me.  And she rationalizes her decision for us to be apart, im  guessing to make her pain go away.... its conditioning the mind really.  But for me, I dunno.  I dont get it.  And I beat myself up for all the wrong things that I did wrong, and all the times I could have done more.  There is something from this that I'm supposed to understand, there is supposed to be a lesson, a positive one.  I'm supposed to, according to my friends, just let go, shrug it off, understand that maybe i'm better off.  I've had a few weeks to really analyze everything from beginning to end, but I cant see a positive message anywhere.  When the girl you are supposed to marry suddenly disappears from your life and no longer wants to speak to you, there's nothing good about it.  Matter of fact, the only thing I feel is hurt... and at times its mixed in with some abandonment, anger, frustration, and sadness.... these are all negative. Crying until your eyes are sore is negative.  To prove my point, if you were to ask people if you think being abandoned was a good thing or bad thing, they would tell you it is definitely bad.  But why, for some reason, when you throw the context of a relationship and the fact that a breakup occured people says things like "things happen for a reason", or "you're probably better off"?

I'm not better off.  I'm not sure I ever will be. And it makes no sense for people to say that.  Before she came into my life, my life was crap.  She arrived and my life then became good.  I somehow messed it up.  And now she's gone, and my life is crap again.  Its like a used bicycle.  Say you have a used bicycle and somebody finds it and the clean it up and fix it so that it rides again and it is maintained and like brand new.  That bicycle is now amazing.  Could be the best bicycle in the world at this point.  But after a few years, the owner dies, or gets a new bike.  Now that same bicycle that was soooo amazing is now.... nothing.  Now its just another used bicycle.  And probably since its so old, they're just gonna trash it.  Nobody ever says to that bicycle, "goodbye bicycle, you were fantastic, you were my favorite bicycle."  They just get rid of it and replace it.  I'm not better off, just like the Commodores were not better off without Lionel Richie.

Life is difficult.  If i have learned anything from my experiences lately, it is that love is fleeting, love is never kind, and love is just a word, we say it for a while, and then we dont.  Eventually it is replaced.